My Confessions

Nothing Much….

2005-05-06T15:21:00.000+08:00

I felt so wasted for not spending some moments to write down my first pregnancy experience in this blog. Besides having problems to update my blog regularly since I’m so not in the mood to visit the internet café just in order to keep on track with my blog and besides that, time is not always on my side. There are always so muck of things to do at home and when I managed to settle everything, my body was already exhausted. I choose to sleep instead!

Many things had happened in Malacca. We cannot run away from problems and I would like to advice everyone to solve the problems that occur instead of thinking so hard how to get rid from the problems. No matter how far you run or where you hide, your life would still be miserable with many problems. Hmmm… , I didn’t thought that things would change when I left home for a few years while pursuing my study and career and it’s such a big mistake for not noticing that my siblings has changed a lot. And now, I’m having difficulties in order to adapt their new behaviors and bad habit. Fuh, it was such a challenging task for me because there’s always tears and heartache when I failed to calm down my feelings with their attitudes. Basically, many things have changed overall and I blame myself for not noticing the differences.

I’m getting tired for not having any directions in life right now since my Maktab enrollment will only start early next year. I’m not complaining and yet I did all these for my first baby. I was l in great fear when I recalled the first time I felt in the toilet. I cried like one crazy women and I was lucky enough when I learned that my baby was in the safe condition. Once in a while, I managed to spare my time reading all those pregnancy books and magazines. I thought that I could get much useful information but instead I became weak after learning so much of things about pregnancy. I felt so happy when the baby moved for the first time and it felt like you having some sort of vibration machine in your stomach. Right now, my baby is not just moving but it kicks my stomach some times. I could easily feel which part of the body is moving at this time…..

To be continued…..

Countdown To My Last Day As A Creative Writer...

2005-01-27T14:28:00.000+08:00

After tomorrow, I will start a new chapter and a different routine in my life. Hopefully, I manage to get a better life although I had to gamble everything in order to continue with my journey. Hmm.. I guess these would be pretty exciting especially when I will do different things in my new environment. Besides that, staying together with my happy and unpredictable family will be so much fun and adventure at the same time since I need to adjust my place there. Wish me luck huh!

In every decision that we take, fellings are always involved because we have emotions. Some stuff can become small matters to some people but it might be a big problem to some of us in different aspect. I believe that my resignation was not a big deal to some people because my contribution was meaningless to them. There's no emotion or any feeling attached I guess and it didn't really bother me as far as I'm concern!

Tomorrow will be consider as one of my sad day because I'm going to leave some good and nice people that I managed to get to know them in such a short period. I'm going to miss everyone in Art Square and all the datelines, brainstormings, meetings, events, press screenings and everything related with the working environment especially the yahoo messenger.... heheheheheeh! Hopefully, I'm capable to keep in touch with everyone and insya-allah, we will meet again!

Hanya Sekadar Coretan...

2005-01-07T16:51:00.000+08:00

Tahap loya, demam, sakit kepala dan takde selera makanku makin menjadi-jadi. Fikiran dah semestinya jadi semakin kacau-bilau terutamnya apabila aku berada dalam situasi yang tak menyenangkan seperti terpaksa mendengar muzik yang terlampau kuat, duduk di depan pc terlalu lama serta terpaksa berdiri dalam jangkamasa yang panjang. Kalau boleh, aku nak tidur sepanjang masa tapi dari duduk kat rumah sorang diri, aku rela kuatkan semangat untuk ke office jugak & menghadapi pelbagai cabaran setiap hari. Walaupun bukan setiap hari melalui kesakitan yang tak diduga ni, namun aku berharap sangat agar aku mampu untuk mengatasi segala masalah supaya aku tak menyusahkan orang lain. Kalau mamaku berjaya dapatkan 4 orang anak, takkan aku yang baru sorang ni dah tak larat kan? Mungkin dengan pengalaman mengandung buat pertama kali ni, aku dapat merasai kesakitan serta pengalaman pahit yang telah mamaku tempuhi semasa melahirkan aku & adik-adikku ke dunia ni. Sampai kat stage nilah, baru rasa bersalah sangat apabila teringatkan scene aku meninggikan suara ketika bercakap dengannya dan kalau boleh diputarkan masa, aku sanggup mendengar setiap kata yang disuruhnya. Tapi, tak mengapa kerana mungkin dengan cara ni, aku akan berasa insaf dan akan lebih menyayangi mamaku. Sebab itulah, aku mengambil keputusan untuk berpindah semula ke kampung halamanku untuk berada dekat dengan seisi keluargaku. Walaupun susah buat sementara waktu kerana kemungkinan besar aku tidak akan bekerja dan suamiku pula hanya akan menolong pakcikku namun yang penting ialah perasaan gembira yang akan aku kecapi kerana dapat berada dekat dengan keluargaku. Tak tahu lagi apa yang akan berlaku kepada kehidupan ku selepas ni, tapi yang penting sekali aku dapat menggembirakan kedua-dua mama dan papaku kerana telah berjaya mendapat tawaran KPLI. Itulah hadiah yang paling bermakna sekali untuk mama dan papa!

A Box Of Chocolate

2005-01-04T18:53:00.000+08:00

I received a present yasterday and it was a box of chocolate! Beside the celebrating moments, it was a time for me to remind myself that I'm getting one year older. Many questions came into my mind and I'm not sure if I manage to get a good answer. By the way, this is life and we have no power to stop the twist just to get everything that we want! No pain, No gain, rite? Hopefully I can try harder in future in order to reach for the best for everyone that I loved and care for....

But, why must it be a box of chocolate? I couldn't relate it with my life! Hmmm... No comment!!

Congratulations...

2004-12-27T11:15:00.000+08:00

HAPPY would be the perfect word to describe my feelings right now after I've received one good news today. Thanks to God for helping and giving me the confidence all this while. I didn't expect to get such a wonderful gift during this festive season from God and I'm glad that God has answered my hope and prayer. Thankful to ALLAH!

Note: Maybe ni rezeki baby jugak agaknya! Alhamdullilah...

Juz Giving A Thought

2004-12-16T08:53:00.000+08:00

I'm not having a pleasant moments for the time being. Because of that, I felt a lil' bit lazy to keep on writing. There's not much of happy stuff to share as I'm going through morning and evening sickness plus some depression with no reason. Maybe these were the part of process that I've got to go through in early pregnancy according to the doctor. I pray very hard everyday so that Allah will always be at my side during my ups and down journey.
Basically, I'm giving a thought to make a major decision in my life. I dunno if I'm doing the right thing but atleast I must give it a try first because life is already full of risks and no matter which path I'm taking, the risk are always there to challenge me. Hopefully, this would be the right thing to do at the right time.

Ohhh.... My Baby!

2004-11-29T13:48:00.000+08:00

Setelah otak aku serabut dengan macam-macam problem, finally aku telah menerima one good news last Friday yang aku rasa memang patut aku catatkan in this blog and share with everyone. Last week, aku macam takde selera nak makan sangat & every morning aku akan kena flu bila tiba kat office. So, I thought it was normal since setiap kali before period datang, aku akan mengalami situasi tak sedap badanlah, takde selera makan & macam-macam lagi. I managed to put aside all the worries and penyakit but untill last Friday, I couldn't bear untuk tahan penyakit gastrik aku yang muncul secara tiba-tiba pada hari sebelumnya. Tapi gastrik yang aku alami pada kali ni, ada kelainan sikit sebab I felt like vomitted when nothing actually came out through my throat dan perut aku rasa kosong sangat. Selalunya bila gastrik tahap kronik aku muncul memang segala isi yang ada kat dalam perut akan keluar dan takde pulak aku rasa loya-loya tahap dewa yang macam aku alami sekarang!

Apabila rasa tak tahan sangat, aku pun mengambil keputusan untuk pergi berjumpa dengan doktor untuk dapatkan injection kat perut untuk hilangkan sakit gastrik tu. And the doctor asked me to lay down first while he was asking one of his assistant to get ready with the injection but suddenly right before doktor tu cucuk perut aku, tetiba dia tanya "Eh, awak dah kawen kan? Awak ada miss period tak lately?"... Then aku replied yang period aku dah 8 hari lambat dan dengan segeranya doktor tu suruh aku bangun dan buat urine test! Jantung aku dah berdegup pantas sebab aku takut jika keputusan yang akan aku dapat dari test nanti negatif. I'm actually putting high hopes & aku ingatkan kalau masuk hari ke 14 tak datang jugak period tu barulah aku buat pregnancy test sebab lewat 8 hari untuk period kan memang perkara normal bagi kaum pompuan! Dengan kaki yang menggigil, aku pun pergilah buat urine test tu dan aku cuma berserah jer pada Allah sebab kalau ada rezeki yang telah ditentukannya maka positiflah pregnancy test yang aku ambil ni. Lepas serahkan the urine bottle to the doctor, he asked me to sit first while he did the test. Lepas tu, dia cakap kat aku kalau ada satu line maka maknanya aku tak pregnantlah dan kalau ada dua lines that means I'm pregnant! Aku pun bangun untuk tengok sendiri dan alangkah gembiranya bila aku nampak ada 2 garisan yang keluar daripada kertas yang telah dmasukkan ke dalam bekas urine aku. Secara serta-merta airmata aku mengalir & sayang sekali that I missed to experienced this moment with my hubby! Aku bersyukur sangat kepada Tuhan kerana telah memakbulkan doa aku.... I berharap sangat agar aku dan kandungan aku ni akan mendapat kesihatan yang baik sepanjang tempoh aku mengandung. The doctor said that my baby is now in week 5 so kalau takde sebarang masalah, insya-allah baby tersebut akan keluar pada bulan Julai nanti...

Justice Please...

2004-11-24T11:25:00.000+08:00

Lately, I received a very strong pressure from my hubby relatives in Malacca. I felt like every door that I have in my life was gone in a few seconds while I took so many years to build that door in my life. Now, I was trapped in a dark place with no door! I didn't have any choice to defend myself and I'm not sure if I would get any chance to work on that problem because this problem has affected my personality and most of all my dignity! I realized that many of us took so many years to create a good impressions in front of everyone but it would not last forever if someone take a scissor to cut it into pieces of paper. I believe that some people cannot stay happy when they learnt that some people were just lucky enough to grab every oppurtunity that came by. I wish these type of people will get their revenge from God. I know that it will take years and maybe such a long time for an evil to get it's pay back but atleast they would get these lesson in such a horrible way! I pray hard to God that they will get something for what they had done to me....!

My Life...

2004-11-08T18:30:00.000+08:00

It's already 6.30 p.m and it was raining heavily outside. The traffic must be getting from bad to worst! I'm still at the office and still waiting for my hubby to fetch me. I'm not sure if he could arrive at my office before "buka puasa" time. If not, I have to go downstairs and grab something to eat. When I was in my secondary school, I've never imagined that life would be this hard as I'm getting older. Everything that I want in my life did not falls on the right place and there's no chance for turning back. All I can afford to do right now is to work very, very and very hard in order to place my life in a better environment. What if I fail and fall again? Huh.... life is not easy after all! :-(

Buka Puasa...

2004-11-01T11:09:00.000+08:00

Working as a press and writer brought me to different places and many events. During this fasting month, our magazine received a lot of "buka puasa" invitation which held in many various hotel and cafe. Last week, I managed to attend two invitation since my hubby managed to squeeze his working hours. The first day, we went to Crown Princess Hotel and "buka puasa" with some of the EMI artists such as Ella, Fauziah Latif and Radhi. The hotel offered variety of foods but none attract my appetite. I had to swallow hard because I didn't want to waste the food on my plate. After we've finished our foods my hubby heard some the press mention about the roasted duck and my hubby quickly squeezed my hand tightly and told me that he ate and finished his foods including the roasted duck! Hehehehehe.... my hubby felt humiliated because he never ate duck's meat in his whole entire life!

The next day, we went to Sungai Wang to attend an event and later on we had our "buka puasa' at the Swensens. Although the food that they offered was quite limited but I enjoyed it so much. Nothing much happened on that day....

P/s: I think maybe it's not such a good idea to go and "buka puasa" at the hotel because the money that comes out from my purse are not worth the food that I take. But, I will tend not to rejects any "buka puasa" invitation...:)

Tension! Tension! Tension!

2004-10-25T17:13:00.000+08:00

I felt regreted and that would be the last time for me to place any bets in any soccer match. Last Sunday, most of the soccer fans were trying their best to watch a soccer match between Manchester United and Arsenal. It was a soccer match that no one would ever want to miss in their whole entire life in order to watch either Arsenal would maintain their victory or to witness the first ever record breaking if Manchester United manage to defeat Arsenal in that match. One day ealier before the match starts, I suddenly came up with one stupid idea whereby I easily challenged my hubby to place a RM100 bet for that match. It's just for fun although I felt lil' bit guilty because I did this during the fasting month.

The match started quite late and I almost got my eyes closed and I didn't bother to watch the entire game as I belived Arsenal will win that match. I slept peacefully at my living area while my hubby watched that game with passion! I woke up from my sleep after the game has finished to continue my sleeping beauty in our room but it was a nightmare for me when my husband told me that Manchester United has won the match. Damn! I couldn't slept easily after that and I felt quit upset because I have to pay RM100 to my hubby because Arsenal failed to pursue their victory. Shamed on you guys!

2004-10-22T16:37:00.000+08:00

Watching Malay movies was not my favourite past time. In fact, I didn't bother to watch our latest million dollar movie PGL after I received so many positive and negative feedbacks from the people around me. Back to my story, last Saturday my hubby as usual will watch his soccer and I got lil' bit fed-up because I wanna watch something else because I didn't plan to sleep early that night. So, we took turned to search for the most interesting channel for us to sat down quietly and enjoy the program. But, we can't help ourselves to keep on watching on one local drama called "Aliya Maisara" in TV3. I was almost surprised when my hubby kept quiet and concentrate on that drama with me and I simply want to credit the producer and TV3 for introducing that sort of drama to the viewers.

2004-10-08T16:00:00.000+08:00

I was bee-zee checking my mailbox and suddenly I came across with my horoscope. I found it very interesting and I should think about it as far as I'm concern!

"Lots of tempting job opportunities are being dangled in front of you, but beware. You've got to be realistic about your financial needs. Don't assume a glamorous position comes with a high salary. If you're offered a position that doesn't pay enough, ask for more money. If this employer can't meet your demands, you need to decide whether you should look elsewhere for a job or scale back your lifestyle."

My Journey

2004-10-07T17:32:00.000+08:00

It was not easy to visit my hometown since my husband has commit to a new job. He only get one rest day from the weekdays and he need to work on weekends. It's hard for us to "balik kampung" because we don't share the same rest day anymore. Not just "balik kampung" but everything has changed and in some ways it affect our routine/lifestyle that we have before this. Nowadays he need to concentrate on his works and that means his time for our leisure and social activities has been reduced to a small amount. We seldom hang-out with our close friend and relatives anymore because his working environment has taken half of his energy and as a wife I understand that he only want a good rest & good foods to be served after such a long day job.

But everything was paid off when we managed to "balik kampung" last Tuesday. It was such a pleasure journey on the way back to Melaka and I can't help thinking about all the fun and sad memories that kept running in my head. I realized that some of the memories has built me to be a strong person in order to deal with differents matters in this life. Time come and past so quickly and I'm afraid if I will miss something vulnerable. I hope that I'm lucky enough to experience a succesful journey!

But, I also realized that my grandfather is not strong like he used to be. Recently he was admitted in the hospital because his body was so weak since he lost his eating appetites. I was very sad when I realized that he was still lying on the bed when I came to see him. It was not his style to stay up in the bed too long because usually he will find something else to do. I missed my old day with him especially when he brought me and the rest of my cousins to the beach. He loved to see us playing with each other and he never failed to take us to the same beach during our school holidays. I must admitt that one day I will miss him so much!

A Message From My Father

2004-09-27T11:06:00.000+08:00

I was in the car yasterday when my father gave me a call. As usual he will suggest everything that he thought I should be doing right now before it's too late. But this time, the suggestions were lil' bit weird and impossible. I felt like I'm giving a fake excitement sound on the phone while listening to his ridiculous suggestion. My father thought that I should start to write a book or a film script since it has similiarites in my field and he also tried to convince me that I shouldn't focus on one subject only in this life. As usual I will agreed with everything and I'll said like this, "Okay Papa, I will try my best!". But, untill today I'm still searching for something and I haven't prove anything yet to my father. I'm a useless daughter, rite?!

I hate!

2004-09-23T17:50:00.000+08:00

-When the person in front of me tend to talk shit and pretend like he's the best among the best!

-When people take advantage on me in order to achieve their target.

-When I didin't get the credit for all the works that I did but instead the credit goes to someone else whose never done anything at all!

-When someone steal my attention and my mood.

- I totally hate noise which include loud music and people making lousy noise.

Why is it hard for human to understand another human?

Scorpions Update

2004-09-22T10:51:00.000+08:00

Did the round interview with Scorpions. I was not in good condition so I didn't expect to ask them so many questions. Well, the interview was held for 15 minutes only & the rest of the press members were actually scrambled to ask questions that they targeted to feature in their articles. Most of the time, Klause Maine (vocal) kept repeating saying that Malaysia is a beautiful country and the development has changed in many ways indeed. I realized that Klause Maine was telling the truth deep down from his heart and he didn't said that purposely for publicity while Rudolph Shanker took the tough task to answer most of the questions regarding about their music.

My first question doesn't sound good to them and I doubt the smiles that they gave. Rudolph didn't agreed when I told the rest of them that their music has changed in some ways due to the modernization in order to capture the teenagers attention. According to Rudolph, it was the recording machine that has changed, not them. Nowadays, each album has to be record in a digital machine and that contribute a lil' bit of modern sounds in their songs. I assumed my question was not good enough but I didn't really care at all.

Note: I met with a girl whose working for a chinese newspapers. She looked nervouse before we did the interview because she don't really know Scorpions very well and she tought that she could be in trouble! Pity her...

Scorpions Anyone?

2004-09-09T19:42:00.000+08:00

Just a reminder to myself not to forget to prepare some questions for Scorpions on Monday cause i'm going to do a round table interview together with a few press. I'm quite nervous 'cause I dun ever listen or adore Scorpions in my life before. I was a little girl who grew up without listening to any rock music from any rock band. To me, rock music are very annoying and it could interrupt my mind as well as my mood. Yeahhh....boed me for can't accepting rock music but dat's the truth.

Aiiiyahhhh....

2004-09-09T19:35:00.000+08:00

It's not easy as I thought actually. The blog dat I created was very, very and very SIMPLE indeed. Of course I would like to feature my pictures, extra links and a few necessary things so dat it won't look very dull when anyone pay a visit here. What should I do??? Nvm..I will try to sought it out later with the help from Nazri. I'm soooo excited!!!

Yeah!

2004-09-09T19:29:00.000+08:00

I dunno if my effort to create diz new blog would be successful or not. With just pressing a few buttons according to the instructions, I managed to set-up diz awesome blog for less than half an hour! But i haven't see the result yet cause I choosed to post this message first of all. Congratulation to myself!